Child-to-parent abuse is probably one of the most underresearched areas of mental health. Yet, it happens far more frequently than you would imagine. According to a 2019 study by Ibabe, 77% of the kids who participated in the study reported using psychological “violence” toward their parents. That’s more than 3 out of 4 kids literally telling researchers that they use psychological violence to get at their parents, foster parents, guardians, and other important adults who are trying to guide them into being successful and productive adults. 

Ibabe’s research also pointed out that those assigned females at birth are as psychologically and physically violent as that assigned males at birth; and, those who self-identified as moms were often more psychologically violent toward those who self-identified as daughters. This finding is often contrary to our culturally promoted “SUPER MOM” norms, yet it is important to note because more times than not “boys” are bad, and “girls” are our little princesses. In fact, more often than not, our boys end up in legal systems for the exact same behaviors the girls are doing at home, too. 

I think I am getting ahead of myself here. What I want parents to know is that yes, child-to-parent abuse is a real thing. Although the research does not define child-to-parent abuse consistently, this form of abuse can show up in a lot of different ways, such as when your kid uses a pattern of behavior to:

• Make you question your sanity

• Physically hurts you

• Financially manipulates you

• Verbally threatens you or calls you names

• Emotionally devastates you

• Buys weapons with a plan to kill you

• Refuses to follow the rules just because

The abuse children direct toward their adults is not okay. As a society, we have made that notion clear with our rejection of domestic violence toward women, and the majority of reported child-to-parent abuse is directed toward women. So what do we do about it?

1. We’ve got to teach kids emotions–what they are and how to manage them

2. Don’t blame the parents for every move the kid makes, including the abuse a child delivers to their parents

3. Implement assessments for child-to-parent abuse at school and in the doctor’s office

4. Encourage parents to tell their stories to others

5. Ask for help. 

Of course, there are more things we can do to help parents of abusive children, and within this blog, you’ll likely see more stories popping up about it. For now, if you are a parent experiencing abuse by your child, know that you are not alone and there are services out there to help you get through it one step at a time. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233