The Kids Aren’t All Right When They’re Abusing Their Parents

Kids abuse their parents at alarming rates, according to research that points to acts of child-to-parent violence in upwards of 65% of the families studied. Yet, most studies indicate that parent abuse is underreported, perhaps because

• Parents are scared of their children

• Parents are legally tethered to children who frighten them

• Parents fear social stigma

• Parents are participating in abuse themselves

In fact, this form of abuse is so hidden that the various language used to describe this type of abuse is inconsistent and hard to find via a simple Google search. For example, you can quickly and easily find information about child abuse, elder abuse, intimate partner and spousal abuse, or even domestic violence and abuse. But seeking out information on “parent abuse” is hard to locate because the actual terms used to describe this form of abuse are often child-to-parent abuse, child-to-parent violence, child-to-mother violence, and child-to-father violence.  

Although there is very little difference in the rates of abuse based on gender, boys get the brunt of legal consequences. However, girls self-report the use of psychological violence toward their mothers at greater rates, as do mothers against their daughters. Mothers both report experiencing parent abuse more than fathers. Mothers also report being more in control of their children's behaviors and more likely to use psychological abuse toward the children. Parent abuse happens when a child uses a repeated pattern of behavior design to control the parent. 

The question often asked is: Where do kids learn this? At home? At school? From their friends? In the media? There are far more behaviors than what can be listed here. But this short list may help to provide context to the situation: 

• Physical abuse: Physical intimidation, hitting, cutting, stabbing, property damage, and more

• Psychological abuse: Threats of bodily harm, lying, cheating, withdrawing affection to manipulate, calling you names, and more

• Financial abuse: Stealing, forcing you to pay for things, acting out to cost you money

Most research says that interventions before age 13 are essential and that aiming to help build the child’s and parent’s skills are crucial, such as:

• Avoiding the use of corporal punishment

• Improving the child’s emotional intelligence 

• Teaching the child resilience

• Building secure attachment between child and parent

Parent abuse is tricky, and few want to talk about it. However, it’s real and happening, and the more we avoid it, the worse it will get for our parents and their children, families, and our communities. So let’s take a minute to really talk about parent abuse and do something about it together. 

If you or someone you know is being abused by their child, please seek help right away by contacting a licensed counselor with experience in this form of abuse. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233