Happy holiday boundaries
As we enter the end-of-year holiday season, many of us will start to experience high anxiety with just the thought of spending time with certain friends and family members or even co-workers. Sometimes, we start drinking early to ease our stress and improve our ability to share space with those folks. Other times, we isolate, panic, argue, or go overboard, trying to control everything around us. If this sounds like your end-of-year holiday experiences or expectations, boundaries may help you achieve your holiday expectations.
So, what are boundaries? Physically, a door is literally a boundary. If the door is closed, no one can walk through it if it is locked. If it is unlocked, there is an opportunity to walk through the door, often after knocking and with permission. Or, if the door is wide open, anyone is free to cross the threshold. Boundaries are like doorways; sometimes they are locked, sometimes they are permeable, and others are wide open. If you are like most of us, the big challenge is that we often do not set or defend boundaries and end up feeling anxious, angry, or shut down.
Relationship boundaries are most frequently needed for successful interactions over the holiday season. Here are a few boundaries you might consider establishing:
Say No to Obligations: When you say yes to boundaries, you must say no to obligations because if you say yes to obligations, you will likely say no to peace, joy, comfort, and more.
Know Your Values: By values, we are not talking about religious or spiritual virtues or practices. Values are what’s important to you. When you know what is important to you, it is easier to separate yourself from those around you because you can recognize that what is important to you may not be important to them.
Care for Yourself First: Of course, there will be many people with whom you’ll enjoy the holidays, which means you will likely be motivated to do a lot for them. Shopping, driving, partying, all fund times, right? Yes. Of course, these are fun. But these great times can also make you tired and worn out, leaving you low on patience. So, as much fun as you can have with others, take time for yourself too. Manage your holiday pace by committing only to those people and events that are most important to you. Then, give yourself as much time to care for yourself as you spend with others having fun.
Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say: Be honest with yourself and others by communicating clearly, honestly, and with great transparency. No one else can truly know what you are thinking. They can only react to what you are saying. So, if you tell others that everything is alright, but you lied, you will likely miss your opportunity to experience the holidays in the right way. Boundaries are about establishing for yourself and others what is right for you.
Measure Your Holiday Success: Many of us survive the holiday season only to put it in the books and never look back. To establish significant boundaries for next year, take stock of what worked for you this holiday season and begin the process of establishing holiday boundaries for next year as soon as January 1 of the new year.
Boundaries exist in every relationship. The trouble is that, more often than not, we avoid establishing boundaries because we are walking around in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt):
Fear: We are scared that if we establish boundaries, others will leave us. If others leave you because they are unwilling to respect you and your needs, what does that say about them? You? The relationship?
Obligation: We believe we must do the same things we’ve always done because, well, it’s always just been that way, and others expect us to do it as we always have. Yet, the person you are today is not the person you have always been or will be in the future. You change. Your relationships evolve. You have the right to update your boundaries whenever you need to do so. You are in charge of yourself and can live in a way that is right for you, independent of the expectations of others.
Guilt: If you don’t do what others want, you believe you have done something wrong. If you don’t live in the right way for yourself, you are probably doing something wrong because your first and most important relationship is with yourself. You can overcome guilt by telling others what you need, what you will and won’t do, and fulfilling your expectations of yourself and your verbalized agreements with others.
If you are starting to experience holiday anxiety, take a seat. Let’s talk!
